PHIL, IT'S YOUR TURN TO USE THE BATHROOM
Governor Phil Murphy tells us:
"The return to school will pose challenges, but we are confident that New Jersey's school districts can move forward in a way that best serves the needs of their district while also achieving a safe environment for students and staff," Murphy said.
Challenges? Then I guess Alcatraz had its challenges, too.
Here are the main rules and guidelines designed to protect students and staff in the classroom:
Face coverings are required for teachers, staff and visitors. Good luck. Poor teachers. Poor staff. Poor visitors. Don’t breathe…make sure you brush your teeth heavily before you leave for your eight hour day, and no singing, keep your vocal chords strong and hearty because about 6732 times a day, you will hear, “What did you say?” “We can’t hear you.” “We can’t see your teeth. Is your mouth moving?”
Students are strongly encouraged to wear masks, but they must wear them if they can't maintain 6 feet of distance. Does the governor or any of his friends, or um, his educational advisor have kids…of any age? Can you imagine walking kids to a bathroom break? Lunch? This is a lot to ask of especially, young children. Are we going to steal some of those “Keep your cart six feet apart” appliques from Shop Rite? Six feet is a lot to a kid who wants to play with his friends or show them a fingerpainting or share a cookie. OHHH right…no more sharing. There goes childhood.
Face coverings should not be worn if they present a risk to a person's health. Umm…ok, but having them on too long represents an oxygen risk to everyone’s health. I get it, this is that fun game of “who passes out first,” and then we revisit the mask thing.
Disinfecting and hand-washing procedures must be established for buildings and buses. So, I imagine this will take up most of a school day if it’s to be done timely and correctly. “I know we just disinfected four minutes ago, and your hands are peeling apart like a paraffin wax, but the law says we have to go again.” Maybe a new type of bus should be a Service Pro truck driven by Ralph Kramden. Will a Purell dispenser be posed next to the driver like that change/ticket thing on an MTA bus?
Students should be placed 6 feet apart. Barriers should be installed and desks should face in one direction if distance rules can't be followed. Sounds like fun…if you’re in jail. Even conjugal visits for convicted death row killers have more contact with the outside world. Or in this case, the inside world. I’m just envisioning seven year old Johnny Snotlicker putting his boogers and tongue all over the partition and the teacher running over in her surgical gear to stop him. The rest of the class roars in laughter because it’s the most fun they’ve had all year and they too start smearing the patrician with spit and snot.
When weather allows, windows should be opened to allow for greater air circulation and if air conditioning isn't available. Um, dude, Murphy, excuse me. We live in the $%^&%(N northeast! You are the Governor of New Jersey! We are off in the summer because it’s warm…and go to school in the fall, winter and spring because it’s cold. This is your solution? An open window? Do you drive a 1967 Dodge Dart with roll downs to ventilate in the summer months?
Use of shared objects, such as pencils, crayons and paper, should be limited. OMG…another good one. HAHAH this cracked me up. No sharing? How do you limit sharing with grammar school children? And, what are you teaching them by telling them not to share. “No, no, Suzie. I know Tommy needs an eraser, but giving one to him is against the law. He will just have to go without until his mommy or daddy can get him one. He can tear his paper up with the steel end of his pencil where the eraser once lived.”
Reading circles will be prohibited. Oh, I see. Yes, the forbidden reading circle. We can have an entire school day in school, together, social distancing, masked and sanitized until our children look like burn victims, but it’s the reading groups that will elicit a resurgence. Those damn reading groups. Can’t trust them. Such a shame. No more “When You Give a Mouse A Cookie.”
School districts should protect staff and students who are at higher risk for severe illness, such as providing options for telework and virtual learning. Eureka! This took a lot of education and years at Goldman Sachs to come to this revelation. With the exception that WE SHOULD ALL HAVE THE OPTION…healthy or not at this juncture. It’s not just about physical health, it’s about mental health and stability for children and staff.
Here are the main rules and guidelines designed to protect students and staff on buses:
If social distancing can't be maintained on buses, then drivers must ensure students wear face coverings. So now the bus driver is no longer the driver, he is Chris Farley in Billy Madison, or “Bus Gestapo.” And, when the kids start taking off the masks to use as sling shots, is he going to pull over twenty times and threaten to make them walk…like a parent? This is waaaaay to much responsibility and distraction for someone whose job is keeping his eyes on the road and getting your kids to and from school in one piece and still looking relatively okay.
Windows on buses should be open, if possible. “Mr. Bus driver, it’s freezing. It’s snowing, and I can’t keep my mask and mittens on at the same time.“ “Government rules, kid. If I can open em, they stay open.”
School buses and other vehicles used to transport students at least daily should be cleaned and disinfected, preferably between routes. And whom, pray, tell, are we trusting to do this effectively? Wait! Instead of lunchroom volunteers, we have bus route volunteers who show up at drop off, clean with their buckets, and again at pick up with their buckets to ensure the hygiene of the jail bus. Fabulous! I’m signing up.
Bus arrival and drop-off times or locations should be staggered, or other protocols should be established to limit contact between people and direct contact with parents as much as possible. How about we have no more buses, because it’s such a complicated endeavor, and we give parents a ten second time slot when the parking lot is clear of humans, and they can drop their own kid or kids, preferably out of the car while it’s still moving to keep up the drop off flow so they do not come in contact with anyone BUT their own kid. And I guess drive- by parent teacher conferences with just a Roman Gladiator thumbs up or thumbs down will work, too.
Here are the main rules and guidelines designed to deal with students and staff who show symptoms:
Does there even have to be protocol for the next three bullets? GO THE “F” home…and don’t send your kid to school. If you can’t even get on a bus healthy, why the hell do you have to explain this to anyone?
Students and staff with symptoms related to COVID-19 must be safely and respectfully isolated from others.
Screening policies must be established for students and staff if they have symptoms or they've been exposed to COVD-19 (see list of rules below).
Screening can include temperature checks.
Here are the main rules and guidelines designed to protect students and staff during meal times, physical education classes and recess:
Meal times must be staggered to allow for social distancing in shared cafeterias. The entire school day will revolve around eating, or it becomes an eating contest…whoever eats their sandwich in twenty seconds or less gets to share a crayon with your neighbor in the next classroom. If you throw up or touch the lunch lady, detention.
No self-service or buffets are allowed. Grab-and-go meals are allowed. Buffets? Gee, I’d like to go to a school where there is a buffet. Not worried.
Recess must be staggered. LOL…like one kid every ten seconds? This is ridiculous. And, social distance on the playground? WTF is that? I guess they just look at each other from a distance and mime-play kickball? Ditch recess and let them out two hours early.
Schools should consider closing locker rooms. If you are still congregating 300 students plus staff in school and playing sports, what on God’s good earth is this going to matter? Germs don’t choose to hang out in locker rooms. They are wherever. “Yo, staph infection, party in the locker room.” “Gee, thanks COVID…no need to linger anywhere else. Best mold and dark sweat ever. Who’s bringing the NSAIDs?”
Playground equipment must be disinfected between groups. Ok, yeah, when the lunch disinfector is done with the bus, she will be right over.
School districts should encourage students to wear comfortable clothing and safe footwear to school so they can participate in physical education classes without needing to change. How about prison jumpsuits? Yellow is the new black, you know. Maybe Catholic schools should ditch the summer winter crap and just keep the kids in gym uniforms all year so they can pretend they are having gym.
All extracurricular activities must comply with applicable social distancing requirements and hygiene protocol. One of my favorites. What extracurricular activities promote social distancing? Fencing? Archery? Large tapestry looming? Social distance class? Most of these are group/sports oriented. Just bag them, and let parents find out- of- school places for their kids to enjoy themselves, and let them make the call.
Here are the main rules and guidelines designed to protect students and staff by encouraging them to use hand sanitizer:
Hand-sanitizing stations with alcohol-based hand sanitizers should be located in each classroom, at entrances and exits of buildings and near lunchrooms and toilets. And, when my kids’ hands burn off is there a massage therapist available with essential oils and skin cream? Free for all. Some pre-k kid is gonna lick their hands for sure.
Children ages 5 and younger should be supervised when using hand sanitizer. Brilliant idea Only a worldwide pandemic would have given birth to this brainchild. Thank God someone told us.
Students should wash hands for at least 20 seconds at regular intervals, including before eating, after using the bathroom and after blowing their nose/coughing/sneezing. Another brilliant plan based on what…basic hygiene?
School district reopening plans should include providing physical guides, such as tape on floors or sidewalks and signs on walls, to help ensure that staff and students remain at least 6 feet apart. This sounds like fun! I want to be there for “Rip off the tape” day. “Teacher, Mary sat on the tape by the cafeteria again. It’s broken.” “Teacher, does this mean I can sit here? The tape was there yesterday, but it’s not today.” “It’s ok honey, we need to stay six feet apart. I can’t help you. Only heaven can.”
Here is how districts should deal with contact tracing:
If a school district becomes aware that a person who has spent time in a district facility tests positive for COVID-19, district officials must immediately notify local health officials, staff and families of a confirmed case while maintaining confidentiality.
All school district administrators, school safety specialists, counselors and any other staff deemed appropriate by the school district should be provided with information regarding the role of contact tracing in keeping school communities safe from the spread of the contagious disease.
School districts should collaborate with the local health department and engage their school nurses to develop contact tracing policies and procedures, as well as educate the broader school community about the importance of contact tracing.
Students and employees may be asked to leave or not come into school if they test positive for COVID-19, or exhibit one or more of these symptoms:
Do the next 16 bullets really need to be addressed?
A fever of 100 degrees or greater
Cough
Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
Chills
Repeated shaking with chills
Muscle pain
Headache
Sore throat
New loss of taste or smell
Fatigue
Congestion or runny nose
Nausea or vomiting
Diarrhea
If students or staff get sick, school physicians and nurses should:
Be utilized in addressing the needs of students in both remote and hybrid scenarios.
Engage school nurses in planning to meet the physical health, dental and mental health needs of students in virtual, hybrid or in-person school environments.
Reinforce and adjust screening processes to identify students who may have had unaddressed health or dental needs during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Consider a virtual school health office model to address school health needs
Regarding bathrooms, schools should:
Avoid crowds by limiting the number of students who can enter at a time. OK, pee pee crowd control. No, you cannot go now, you are slated for #212.
Designate staff members to enforce limited capacity and avoid overcrowding. Hire a retired bouncer.
Consider purchasing no-touch foot pedal trash cans, if possible. Oh yeah, they will never touch those. Especially when the foot pedal breaks off. Totally hygienic.
Prop doors open to avoid touching handles. I know…great idea. I’ve been missing those little wooden wedges they used in Miss Beadle’s classroom. They really do the trick and should enforce no handle touching 100%. “Kids, we took off all the door handles in the school. Either use your young hips, and if you can’t get in or out of the classroom you are in, just keep your mask on and in about six hours, someone will realize you are missing.”
I’ve been sending kids to school for almost 23 years, and I gotta tell you, I found these almost like a really good SNL skit. Yes, over the top..sarcastic, but really, truly, can you imagine, in real time, real life, trying to implement these procedures? Yes, kids are resilient. They adhere an enjoy structure. But, this is beyond. Beyond hell.
In the end, we need to be allowed the choice to homeschool in conjunction with the school we are attending, not because I think it’s the best choice in a normal world, but because I am not sure if this is really going to work.
Look at this rubric. Look at all the restrictions. School, although not a Chuck E. Cheese field trip, should represent a haven for learning, loving and friendship. These provisions are a hate joke, and will be frustrating for everyone who is in academia.
Kids can be trained to do anything, from killing, to loving, to hating to feeling, etc. They need nurture and protection in their school…and this ain't it. Alternative, please?
Next post: So, how do we fix this new normal?
